Everyone has their own pasts and bad memories that sometimes, they don’t want to tell anybody about it, but some people prefer to speak it out in order to feel much better than they keep it to themselves. It is hard to tell the other people about your secret, and it’s even harder to remind about something that you really want to forget. Bullying is a really common social issue that happens in some countries these days. I, myself also want to reveal my big secret that I’ve been hiding it since I was a junior back in Cambodia. It happened to me once back in 2010. People were keeping bullying me by calling me this and that.
It was hard to overcome with this tragic event, but at the end I became who I am today. It teaches me a life lesson and I’m glad that it didn’t turn me to be bad after I’ve been through so many things. Bullying changed my life. September 2011, it was the beginning day of my junior year back in high school in Cambodia. Chbar Ampov High School was my old high school, and it located on the National Highway 1, Mean Chey district, Phnom Penh. I entered the front gate of the junior building, across the small bridge, under those big trees, and the smell of different kinds of flower.
I was so excited to meet my new classmates; I thought it would be the best year for me. Before class, all the students had to meet in front of the flag which was at the center of the whole school in order to sing a song to remind the majesty of our king. I had a hard time to find my classroom’s spot, that’s why I rushed to get in between people. Suddenly, there were hands behind my back; pushed me to aside, so I fell off. I looked up to see who did this to me; I saw this girl named Monika, the name-tag on her shirt (every student in my country had to wear their nametag) was standing there and laughing at me.
What a terrible thing to started my first day; I wished I wouldn’t run into her again at school or having class with her. A sunshine in the morning made me feel so fresh. I rode my motorbike to school as usual, but my great morning was ruined by Monika because she hawked at me. I was so mad and yet, I got to stay quiet. I walked from the parking lot to class by counting my steps because I was so excited. Every time I thought of making new friends, I ended up smiling to myself. The moment I arrived at the front door, my heart started to pound like a drum was hitting nonstop.
The first person I saw and faced to was the only person that I’ve been wanting to see since my 6th grade. I felt like my heart was jumping outside and I blushed. “Hi Maryna, long time no see, huh? How’ve you been doing? Do you even remember me? I’m Dara,” he began surprisingly. I was lost at the moment, but then I caught up my senses back and replied, “Uh, yeah! I know you. I’m doing great. Nice to see you again, Dara,” I smiled and walked to find my seat. It was a long time for me to feel this happy again.
Since my dad passed away, he was the only person who’ve been there for me all the time and he always protected me from the other kids when they called me a “fatherless child”. I wasn’t surprise that I liked him since then until now. Class already began almost thirty minutes, there was a group of four girls started to walk in without asking an apology for being late from the teacher. At first, I didn’t pay attention to them because I was so busy to write the notes down, but then I heard a familiar voice and a familiar smell from the other day; a voice of a leader who were fearless of anything even the teacher.
At that moment, I knew by heart that it was Monika and her friends. I faced up and I caught my eyes with hers, she stared at me without moving her eyes off me and gave the hatred expression of hers toward me, so I faced back down. The thought of that moment was overwhelming. I was sixteen; Monika and Vinear were a year younger than me. Pisey and Socheata were the oldest. Monika was like the main leader in the group because the other three people followed her without saying a word against her. She was skinny and beautiful with her makeup; she liked be involved with the gangs, and she liked to fight.
Unlike her, Vinear was a little bit different from Monika even though she looked just like her. She was pretty and somehow friendly with the other people, and she was so smart. The other two were way different from the group. Pisey was the tallest girl in group, she wasn’t really smart to handle the situation by her own like the others; she was also had a big tongue which is made her having a hard time to speak clearly. The last member was Socheata. Socheata was Monika’s older cousin and she was a tomboy who was considered as a homosexual type, but she liked to stay silent every time and everywhere.
She didn’t talk too much, but when it came to a fight or an argument, she was the only person who could deal with it like a piece of cake. All of them were best friends since middle school. Day by day, I felt like Monika started to hate me even more. No matter how hard I tried to talk to her, she’d never responded to me in a nice way, so I decided not to waste my efforts anymore. There was obvious animosity between Monika and me. It happened to me one day when I was staying late in school; school was so silent without students, so I rushed to go home but then, there was a group of girls who studied the same class as me, Monika and her folks.
They called me out and blocked my way to get out of school and dragged me to the back of a large building in my school. The field fulfilled with green grasses and trees. The howling wind brought the smell of jasmine flower swirled to touch my nose. “Hey! You’re ugly little brat! ” she finally began. “What do you want? ” I said. “I wanna ask you, what the hell are you to Dara? You like him? ” she yelled at me. ”It’s none of your business. Leave me alone! ” I said it as I pushed them backward and I ran even faster and faster because I didn’t want to get in trouble with Monika anymore.
The following days, I realized by then that the hatred expression they made, could harm me to death in a single strike. I was succeed avoiding them by going home a little early with some other people who came along with me. One day, I had a feeling that something bad would have happened to me. The big windy attacked my body, under a gloomy sky of the spring season; I smelled the droplets of the rain across my classroom. Not waiting so long, they started to appear and by that moment, I saw the door of hell is waiting for me because since the day that I dared to push them back, I knew that this day would come eventually.
As usual, I turned back and about to run but they were all over the place, and there’s no way I could run away but to jump off the building. My heart started to beat over speed; I felt like I was a sheep who was surrounding by a group of wolves, and they would attacked me anytime. Socheata grabbed both of my hands to my back, if I dared to run off, she would break them. Monika came to me, slapped me in the face, and threatened me not to scream if I want to see my mum’s face again. The hit on my face tear me apart, I cried for help but nobody was there beside the predators.
Suddenly, she covered my mouth with her hand and she punched my stomach hard. I felt the depth of pain and I knocked down; they started to kick me like I was nothing, but a harmless animal. At that moment, I smelled and tasted my own blood within my mouth and my forehead. I barely breathed and my eyes covered with tears which is made couldn’t see how they enjoyed beating me up like this. Fortunately, it sounded like the security came to check out around the school again, they were quickly run off and left me hanging there all by myself. For some reasons, I felt relief and saved on time.
I saw the security ran toward me and screamed. That was the only last thing that I remembered before I passed out. I’m so thankful for the security who saved my life on time. I appreciated it. I found myself at home and I saw my mum fell asleep next to my bed. I knew by heart that I was still alive. My mum kept asking me about what happened and who did it, but I had no answers to respond to her because it still shocked me for the rest of my life and it suffered me a lots. I kept hiding my mum from every single event that happened to me; I just wanted to end it by myself.
Time flew fast, I stopped to go to school for almost a month and went somewhere else alone and I made sure that no one could find me there. The fact about what happened the other day made me start to hate going to school because I knew that I would end up beating up again and again if I’d dared to show my face there. It was almost a midterm, so I went back to school with all the guts that I had left. As I walked through the garden field, I comforted myself that there would be nothing is going to happen today. I collected all my strengths and walked into the classroom.
There’s no one in the class beside Monika and her folks. I just realized that the other people went on break before the second period. What a good coincidence? A perfect timing to tease me to death. “Oh, I see you’re coming back. You look healthier after all. How’s your scars? Was it hurt so much? ” She said in a teasing voice. I ignored her. That was the only thing I could do. “Hey! I talked to you! How dare you to ignore me like this? You’re such an ugly girl and has no manner, why don’t you kill yourself already? ” Monika said when she grabbed my hand hard. I felt like she was about to break my hand into pieces.
I finally said, “I have nothing to do with you. Leave me alone! ” “You’re not going to get away with this b*” said Monika. Ding Dong! The sound of a bell saved my life because it was the sign to tell people that the break was over. The following day, I came to school and I heard the whispering behind my back. “You know that ugly girl’she’s so fat and ugly. I wonder if her parents look like her, ugly and poor people. Oh yeah! Come to think of it, I remember when that she doesn’t have a father because he died because of her ugliness” they started laughing and pointing at me with joys. “What did you just say?
I don’t give a sigh if you’re only talk about me, but don’t you even dare to talk about my parents that way! ” I furiously said it. I couldn’t let her talk that way about my parents. Never! The looks on their faces had changed. Monika started, “What the hell is your problem? You don’t have the rights to say that to me, you little brat! ” “And you don’t have the rights to talk to my parents that way either! ” I yelled at her. Her five fingers were widespread, her palm hit my cheek hard. She slapped me then walked away. I busted to tears; it wasn’t because she slapped me in the face, but because she dared to talk trashed about my parents.
It was hurting me even more. Monika and her folks; they made me look bad by spreading the terrible humors about me like this and that, so that made the other people who used to talk to her started to avoid me one by one until nobody cared to stay by my side anymore, even Dara. I saw him and Monika talked to each other like for hours. Come to think of it, I had no intension to listen to their conversation, so I decided to go home. Suddenly, I heard someone was calling me, so I turned back. It was Dara. “Hey, what’s up? ” I asked him surprisingly. “Hey! You got a minute? I want to talk to you” he said. “Okay. ” I replied. We’ve known each other for almost five years now. I think our friendship is strong enough for me to talk thing out with you without holding back, right? ” he said. “Yeah, I guess. ” I said when he looked at me like I’ve done something wrong to him. “Maryna, listen to me! ” His face was serious and stared at me like he had to tell me this. I nodded my head and look at him with a single hope in my heart. Stop it! I can hear my own heartbeat. If it’d still beating like this, he would have heard it too. Somehow, I was hoping for a confession, but then “Do you love me? Is this true? Was the rumor true after all? Tell me!
Is it true? I want to hear from you” he asked me with a strange expression that I wasn’t familiar with. But still, I kept up my hope in my heart at that moment. I answered him, “YesYes! It’s true! ” I said and looked down because I was shy. Yes! Finally, I said it. After these five years, I’ve been waiting so long for this one day, it has finally come. “I’m sorry” he disappointed. My heart was beating faster and louder. Did I just get a rejection? No, it can’t be! “I’m sorry. I’ve never thought of our friendship would turn out this way. I thought we’re just best friends andAnd I fell in love with someone else.
You know her too, it’s Monika” he blushed and smiled. I was suddenly dying inside but I won’t break down easily. I won’t! I said, “Yes, I know her. Well, you guys are so cute together. Don’t worry, I’m totally fine with it. ” I smiled and walked away. I saw Monika in single glance. I saw her standing there laughing and looked at me in with pity look on me. I cried silently, under this rainy day, it made everything seemed so lonely just like my heart stopped beating. After hearing those words from Dara, a guy that I’ve had a crush on for five years, and I’ve been through so many terrible things in life, so I decided to leave this world alone.
I thought my 11E2 class could be more peaceful without an ugly girl like walk around all day. The thought of committing suicide popped up in my head. I went straight into my mum’s bedroom and tried to find a bottle of sleeping pills. Then, I went into the kitchen to find a knife and wine. I heard people said that swallow wine with a sleeping pills could kill you. So, I went ahead and swallowed around 20 sleeping pills with a glass of wine. I locked myself up in my room and cut myself with a knife. I was so happy to do that because I knew by heart that I was going to die silently before my mum got home from work.
After like half an hour, I felt dizzy and I threw up. I last thing I heard was my mum’s voice, but it was too late because I already passed out. I felt sorry that I didn’t say goodbye to my mum for the last time. I thought I was already gone, but then I opened my eyes and I saw my mum was talking to someone who wore a white long suit. Wait a minute! I wasn’t die yet, I was in the hospital. But how’d come? I was thinking all by myself. I found myself on a bed with all these serums string were hanging all over the place. This wasn’t what I was expected to happen.
I tried to escape from my mum’s eyes and questions, but then I saw her started crying her heart out, so I realized that it’s time to tell her the truth. After hearing all the stories, she got so mad, but I told her that there’s no point to get upset anymore because everything was over now. A couple years later, we moved to the United States. My mum thought it would be the best place for me to forget my past. But these feelings were still remaining here with me all the time. I remember when I first came here, I started to use Facebook, and believe it or not, Monika found me and started to cyberbully me again.
She started to post bad stuffs about me on my wall and messaged me to tell me that I wasn’t worth to live any longer. I was almost trapped into another depression, but luckily, there were so many people that I’ve just knew here tried to encourage me to ignore them and move on with my life. I blocked her and her friends and I started to delete everything that reminded me about my past. So finally, I can get over them and I’m not looking back to the past anymore. I became a new person who have only positive thinking and hopes.
I start to tell my mum everything about what’s going on in my life now and I won’t hide it from her anymore. In order to become a good person, I have to stop this tragic story by not willing to harm them back but to forgive them and goes on with the new people. For some reasons, I’m so thankful for the people who bullied me and rejected me because if there weren’t them to come into my life, I wouldn’t have had a second chance to change my perspective in life, and I couldn’t become what I am today either. Thank to them for teaching a life lesson and it also made me even stronger to deal with society and reality all by myself.
