Lacking severe self-confidence is the biggest barrier I have to face for many years. I think it is because among the three children in my family, I am the oldest to my younger sister and brother, my mom is always strict on me. If I did something wrong, even if it is the slightest thing, she will scold me hard, telling me not to do this and not to do that. Like I remember one time, I got a C- on math quiz. The moment my mom saw the red numbers on the test sheet, her eyes turned red.
She would head to the shoes cabinet or kitchen and walk towards me with a thick stick or pipe, and she would start yelling at me and hit me, after hitting the red marks would “climb’’ across and over my arms and legs. My parents think that it is a must that I do things right, so they seldom and almost never encourage or eulogize me when I did a good job on my projects or even getting straight As on exams or midterms. The hitting and scolding made me feel that I could not do anything right, and I can never satisfied my parents a little bit only to get a tiny compliment for them.
I think one of the reason that I am short of not having a persevering heart to do things is because I think that I can not do things right. Due to not getting people’s compliments often, so even when I did things right, it does not seem right to me, I always feel there are still things I could better or maybe there are some things needed to fix. The classic example of lacking a persevering heart when facing challenges of me is to lose weight.
Because I am a premature birth child, neither can I be too overweight or underweight, it is bad for my physical conditions. I have lost 10 kilos so far, but due to the pressure of schoolwork and the pressure I have to face at home, I tend to eat much more to release them, when eating it would make me feel better. And so now I gained 10 plus 1 kilo back. My mom always say the biggest reason that I can not be as slim as I was used to is because that I can not control my mouth and my heart was not resolute enough.
Whenever I wanted to star learning things like playing the piano or drawing, I would be enthusiastic at the first couple of days, but the enthusiasm fade away over some times then it would be difficult for me to keep learning them. Having negative thoughts before facing challenges is a common thing that my friends would notice when they get to know me. I always think of the worst that might happen to me, so I think that is why I tend to have bad thoughts even when the assignments were as easy as a piece of cake, the kind that could be done in a few days.
As I said before, my parents hit and shout at me whenever I do things the wrong way. When doing assignments, no matter it is from school or just small activities I do with my friends at free time, I would think as if I did it wrong my mom would be holding the thick stick and pipe waiting for me at home. The bruising and marks from the smacking cause the negative thoughts to grow inside of me. When I face difficulties or challenges, a small whispering voice would appeared in my head saying I have to do it right or else the stick will be waiting to serve you at home.
Or it would say it is just that easy and you cannot even get it right. It has been a big problem for a long time. My bad habit has invaded my life, and it has affected the way how I see myself and having problems facing people and challenges. Because lacking severe self-confidence makes me demean myself, there were times that I could not face people and see there eyes directly. Not having a persevering heart to do things, this bad habit will stop me from doing a lot of things even reaching my dreams. Having negative thoughts before getting into business is the biggest problem.
Just say I keep thinking on the bad side, what if a company wanted to sign a contract with me. But I think the worst way first instead of the best way, the boss of theirs might not want to keep doing business with me. Needless to say I should start thinking on the bright side, making little progress every day, so that I could keep the enthusiasm from slipping away, and starting having positive self-introspection, saying nice things to myself. And I should try to wake up welcoming every challenge I encounter every day and see everyday as a brand new chance and embrace it with a genuine smile!
