18 years ago, I was born into the Masters’ family. I had a wonderful mom and the best dad in the world. My dad was honestly my first love; I was the apple of his eye. It sounds weird, but if you would’ve seen how close he and I were, you would know where I was coming from with what I was trying to say. I wasn’t the only one who fell in love with my dad. My Mom did too. I always loved to watch them get along, and when they fought, it wasn’t for long. They were in love, and that love made me, and they loved me as much as they loved each other. My dad and I did so much together while mom was at work.
It’s the type of relationship that could honestly make a lot of people jealous. He was not, JUST my father. He was also my best friend. I could joke around with him about anything, he was always there to make me laugh and he always made me feel like I was the most important thing to him in the world. I mean being his ONLY daughter, of course I was, but he always gave his attention to my mom too. No one was ever left out in my house. I can’t tell you how many memories we had in that house. But it felt like I only had a short time with my dad, he left on March 4, 2006.
I was only 10, but because I couldn’t really remember any memories from when I was a baby, it felt like I only spent about 5 years with him. At first I was so sad, and heart broken, because I had just lost my best friend. After a while, I got so angry and selfish, I would occasionally think “Why? Why did you abandon me and my mom? We both need you, I know I need you, you were my first friend, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. ” The years after that were basically hell. I was always angry, and depressed. I didn’t know what to think. I started acting out with my mom, I stopped listening, and I stopped caring.
As I grew older, I rebelled more and more each and every day. On a good day, my mom and I would get along, and I was starting to pick myself up and get back to being me, but then someone new came into the picture, and when that happened, all I could think was my mom just abandoned her love for my dad and moved on to someone else. I was young, I wanted my dad back, and I wasn’t ready for someone new to be in the picture. I made myself look like a jackass for so long because of my anger. Soon enough, I got a long with my mom’s new boyfriend, Eric. He and I would basically act like siblings.
We would wrestle, joke around, pull pranks on each other, and sometimes my mom. We got yelled at so much when we did that, but it was funny as hell. My time with my mom was longer than with my dad. But it feels like I spent more time arguing with my mom and rebelling than actually spending time with her. 18 years was a good run, but it wasn’t good enough, because mom passed away on June 16, 2014, and once again I was back to being angry at the world and feeling abandoned. I was just so pissed and depressed that I did so much to push everyone away from me. I shut people out, I did so much to seclude myself from everyone.
Then I started to regret it, I started to regret everything that I have ever done in my life to anything and anyone. Because of everything that happened over the course of 18 years, I’ve lost friends, gained some, but still find ways of pushing them away. I will always regret everything. The biggest thing I regret is being selfish and thinking my parents abandoned me when they didn’t. It’s me who makes everyone else feel abandoned. I just have a fear of being alone and I’ve made myself scared and paranoid. Have I been abandoned? Yes, many times by people who don’t want to take the time to know why I am so needy. Will I get abandoned again?
