On March 10th, 2012, my life changed forever. This was and continues to be the worst day of my life. If you’ve ever lost someone you loved, you will know that this pain is indescribable. For me, losing my brother almost three years ago still saddens me. Maybe it always will, maybe I will never get over losing someone so special. In life, things happen to the people you love and care about beyond our own understandings, but the truth is I haven’t gotten closure, we literally lost an angel. Losing someone is hard to accept, remembering him is easy, I do it every day.
But missing him is the heartache that will never go away. Quite honestly I’m not sure how I’ve made it this far in life without my brother here with me. Only God knows how much I miss him and would do anything to have him back here with me. My brother, Scott, was twenty years old when he overdosed. He was my big brother, my best friend and my right hand, and then he found pills, and I was no longer number one in his life. As a kid we did everything together, I wanted to be just like him. If I was sad, he was the shoulder I was crying on. If a boy broke my heart, he would ask “where is he? Whenever things got too tough for me to handle, he’d handle it for me.
We went through everything together. He was always there to push me little harder, to laugh with me, and shut me up when my big mouth would get me in trouble. I had no memory of a life without him. I couldn’t have asked for a better relationship with a sibling, and I’m saddened by those who take for granted that special bond. It all started because our parents lost us to the system and we were placed in foster care. We bounced from home to home. We slowly began to stay in and out of trouble.
Living in foster care was the furthest thing from easy, it was hard to cope meeting a new family and living with strangers every month or so. Imagine feeling not wanted, alone, and scared. After losing me to jail time, he completely lost it. He couldn’t take it anymore. For him, he would never get over that pain. Eventually he went down a rocky road where he was introduced to a friend that would always keep him company and never let him feel the pain he pushed down so deep. That friend was pills, from Oxycodone to hydrocodone. The pain was unbearable. He tried to hide his addiction, but that only lasted so long.
Eventually we found out. He tried to reach out for help but no one ever realized his addiction was so strong. With his brain so clouded on Xanax he wasn’t even a person anymore and he sure wasn’t my big brother that I needed so desperately. I live with the guilt of being in jail and not getting him help in the months leading to his death. I told him he had to choose between the drugs or his family, and as much as he wanted to choose family, his demons won in the end at house party where no one cared. One mistake took him away from me, one stupid mistake.
While I was sitting in a jail cell from my dumb mistakes, my brother who meant everything, took his last breath. Alone. I wish I had the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him. People say that it gets easier with time, but I just think that you learn to live with grief. It’s been almost three years since we lost him and my god it’s been hard, I miss him so much. I feel envious of those who were at the house party where he overdosed that still have their big brother to protect them from this cruel world. I’m sad that my niece has no father. I feel totally robbed of so many things. Things should have been so different for him.
My brother was funny and handsome; he was so gentle and had this huge heart and love for those smaller and in need. My one and only big brother, my hero, and my childhood best friend. It is so hard to get up in the morning knowing I will never see him again. I never thought for a second forever would come to an end. I just always knew that there would be another conversation, another chance to say I love you; I was for sure that tomorrow would always come. I never pictured life without him. And it hurts to realize that another memory won’t be created, another laugh won’t be shared, and another moment won’t be made.
It’s like how do I say goodbye to yesterday when everything I have to hold on to about him, lives there. And honestly waking up sometimes is bittersweet for me because everything seems normal. Until I open my eyes and realize it was just a dream. I still live in regret thinking I could have been there more, thinking I should have called more, thinking I should have prayed for him more. I regret ignoring all those silent cries that he showed me. I think to myself, how can it be so easy to express how much you love somebody once they are no longer here?
Why didn’t I make more of an effort to give him the roses while he could still smell them? These thoughts were killing me, until I realized something. Until I realized this isn’t how he would want to be remembered, this isn’t how he would want our relationship to be remembered. He was too much of a happy soul to want anybody to live in regret and grief forever. He would want a celebration of his life because he believed that death wasn’t the end. He would want me to keep his legacy alive by giving the world something that he taught me, believed in or stood for.
I can hear him saying it now, “Tia it’s not your job to understand Gods plan, but it is your job to trust it; even when it hurts to do so” and just thinking about that keeps me strong. Doing something in his memory makes me feel closer to him than I ever felt. It’s like I can see his presence, like he’s more alive to me than he has ever been. He taught me three things that I want people to hold onto once I’m gone. Number one is John 3:16. Number two is never live in regret but appreciation. And number three don’t pass away with him, but keep what he believed in alive through you.
My brother came, saw, and conquered in his lifetime. I can only hope to be as significant as he is. I also try to remember that he’s free now; free from pain and sorrow because that’s something he always wanted. Days when I feel more down than usual, I look up to the sky and talk to him because that’s exactly what I’d want him to do. What I wouldn’t give to hear him talk back. I miss his voice, his laughter, I miss everything about him. The lesson I learned the hard way from all this was you never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory, so learn to appreciate it all.
I have learned to try and make the best of everything, be humble and make a commitment to inspire the uninspired because it’s arrogant to believe the next seconds of life belong to you. Throughout this lesson in my life I have learned that God will take you through places you don’t understand just to bring you to the place where he wants you to be; trust him! Sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken up; changed and rearranged to relocate us to place we’re meant to be. I have also learned that no matter what anyone in life says; time doesn’t make anything easier. Losing him was and still is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with.
