I never really knew myself until the end of my freshman year in high school. I thought I was ugly, a loser, and would never be good enough. I was nervous going into my freshman year and I knew I would do anything to fit in and feel like I was accepted. My freshman year of high school taught me the truth to myself because I hit rock bottom. The events that led me to hit rock bottom were hanging out with the wrong crowd, partying, and boys. Going into high school I did not know anyone that would be attending that I was already friends with, so it did not take me long to fall into a bad crowd.
By the time school had started, I had made friends with people who smoked, drank, and had meaningless sex. As a freshman in high school I did not have much in common with my so called friends I did not like to drink, I only have smoked once, and I was a virgin. In order to hang out with my friends I was going to have to join in on these activities, even though I knew it was wrong. If I said no, I would be deemed a loser and no longer a part of a group and all the pressure was on me to fit in and have friends.
This is when I first started to party every weekend just about. Every weekend was a party with my friends whether it was a huge blowout or just a handful of us hanging out in a basement together. The activities is what made it a party not the size. Every weekend included of drinking and smoking. Every Sunday morning I would wake up with a huge hangover and think this is what people in high school do, so I have to also. All of this partying with my girlfriends led to the pressure of being with a boy.
As a virgin it is scary when your friends start talking about their hookups and pressure you to do the same. I had made out with one boy and was scared to do more, but my friends were not. I would have to suck it up and get past making out. There was pressure to lose my virginity, but I was not quite ready for that and I managed to impress my friends without losing it. When we were at a party my friend Paige saw Jake hitting on me. I could not escape fast enough though. Paige ran over to me and whispered in my ear “He was totally hitting on you!
You have to go back over there and flirt with him. He wants you! ” I gave her a weak smile and croaked “okay” as I walked away. I went back up to Jake and he flirted with me like it was a cake walk for him. He nonchalantly kept letting me take swigs from his bottle of Smirnoff raspberry as we joked and laughed together. After time passes by Jake asks “Do you want to get away from all these people for a few? ” I just smiled and shook my head because I knew on the inside I really did not want to go, but my friends were watching and I could not back down.
We started to walk to his car but we only made it to the side of the house before he pulled me towards him and started making out with me. He immediately moved my hands to his groin area and put his hands down my pants just as things got really heated I was saved. Someone screamed the cops were coming and everyone dispersed to clean up the alcohol and drugs before they got there. My friends asked me about what had happened when I got back. I told them that things got interrupted because of the cops coming, but still gave them the details about what happened.
They were smiling from ear to ear they were so proud. None of them had ever gotten with one of the varsity football players. I knew I was not proud of myself though. I realized I was done my life of boys, parties, and fake friends was a joke. I no longer wanted this life of degrading myself. I wanted to be able to have fun with my friends and make memories that I could remember. Not get so drunk I could barely walk or I would be in a bathroom throwing up. I wanted boys to respect me and find me beautiful not see me as a slut.
I wanted friends who would be there for me and respect my decisions not pressure me into partying or having sexual relations I was not ready for. I learned that I rather have a few close friends who I could enjoy spending time with then a bunch of friends who forced me into situations I was not comfortable with. Even though I wish that my freshman year did not turn out the way it did it made me who I am today. I have learned that I am smart independent young lady, who wants true love, and to succeed in life. I no longer waste my time and life throwing it down the drain by hanging out with the wrong crowd.
