Overcoming Marital Conflict Essay Marriages are made, not in heaven, but by wonderfully fallible human beingswho hope for the best, but who often do precious little to make this mostchallenging and complicated relationship work. From the very first couple andtheir differing view point over the apple to modern times, men and women havealways disagreed.
Both sexes are born with inherently different personalitytraits. Although mankind knows they will never see eye to eye with theopposite; they still are attracted to them, perhaps for that very reason. Unfortunately it also means there will be unavoidable conflict in the union ofa woman and man. Woman’s inherent sexuality and the widely dissimilar sexualityof her mate is one of the primary conflicts in marriage.
They will also finddiversity in their views on sex, communication, emotional expression, nearlyevery aspect in their lives. Sex has made marriages and broken them. Great relationships do not alwaystranslate into wonderful sex! Many couples love each other deeply, but stilldon’t have a fulfilling sexual relationship. Havelock Ellis (1859-1939) wrote inThe New Spirit, “The omnipresent process of sex, as it is woven into the wholetexture of our man’s or woman’s body, is the pattern of all the process of life”. This leads me to believe our sexuality is the core to ourselves.
Unfortunately there are so many variants between men and women emotionally thatunavoidable conflicts will surface in the bedroom. Adam and Eve are the onlyunion who ever had the freedom of entering marriage and lovemaking with nopreconceived ideas no hang-ups, and no inhibitions. Men and women each possessdifferent outlooks toward the act of sex. Most women need an emotionalconnection prior to experiencing a truly satisfying sexual encounter.
Whereasmen tend to avoid deeply emotional bonding. Men can be happy with superficiallove, not that all men stop there. Women also feel affection is the essentialcement of her relationship with a man. She marries a man that cares about her,and she wants him to express his care often. Without it she usually feelsalienated from him. With it she will become emotionally bonded to him.
Learning the sexual outlook of each other’s partner will increase the ability todeal with the sexual conflicts that materialize. Fear of failure and rejection and the belief that something is wronginfiltrates many sexual experiences. Case studies show that most couples whocomplain of sexual problems in their marriages are really experiencing a deeperproblem. Letting go of assumptions, most of which come from books, movies, andfantasies, and sharing desires and fears with their mate, their individualsexuality can and will become more fully and freely expressed. Communicating feelings and desires is the key to sexual contentment. Conversation in the state of intimacy should be respectful and non-judgmental.
Partners, who share mistakes and failures, will see a closer bond of friendshipand trust result. Not only can they learn to be closer through the success oftheir mate, but also in recognizing the vulnerable humanity from their failures. Couples can learn to express the deep love for each other and gratitude for themutual care of one another. By lowering their defenses and forming a closeemotional bond by communicating, they’ll feel greater pleasure when meeting eachothers needs. This is the way marriage was meant to be. Just as men find sex enjoyable in it’s own right, most women enjoyconversation simply because they like to converse.
While most men have a needfor communication, this need is usually greater in women. This difference isoften a source of great frustration. Marriage counselors report that nearly onehalf of all the couples they see have serious problems communicating. Communication is extremely important in all areas of life, but in the intimatestate of marriage it is vital. Therapists agree that although most couples havea sincere wish to actively discuss their sexual tensions they are unable tocommunicate successfully. This could be caused by their lack of communicationskills.
The average person may attend one formal class on effectivecommunication in their lifetime. With the help of a disinterested party orworking together, a husband and wife may initiate discussion of sexual problems. Several roadblocks to keeping the channel of communication open may be a mutualon singular unwillingness to compromise in resolving conflict, or inability toshare personnel thoughts. Some individuals may honestly be ashamed orembarrassed to discuss sex. Normally such behaviors stem from prudishupbringing. Other’s .
