Fear is an interesting matter of discussion. Everyone experiences fear, but each person experiences it differently. To consider all fears the same is the same as not recognizing the differences in separate species of insects. They may be similar, but each one is at least a little bit different. Fear operates in the same manner; two people may both be arachnophobic, but one may fear the dark while the other fears heights. People may have different combinations of fears, and the fears may be in a different order of how much the person fears them. For me, the fear of not being in control is atop the hierarchy of fears.
That may seem like I am a control freak, and perhaps I am, but I mean it in a different manner. I do not have to necessarily be completely in control of the entire environment surrounding me, but I do need to be in control of myself, along with anything that I am put in charge of. I understand that until I graduate high school, my teachers and parents technically are in charge of me. However, I still control what I do, though depending on what I do, I may have to deal with repercussions. It is for this reason I do not respond well to being told what to do.
If an order is phrased like a question so that I can at least pretend I have a choice in the matter, I will perform the task, if somewhat begrudgingly. When given an order, I may do the exact opposite, just to prove that I am still in control of myself. Being afraid of losing control has other consequences, besides being seen as a brat. When a situation gets out of my control, I worry about the outcome. Though I know it is beyond the point of me being able to change the outcome, the outcome often possesses me, not letting me do anything about stuff that I can still change.
In freshman year, I had auditioned for the winter play. My nerves were fine before and during the audition, but as soon as I exited the auditorium, I nearly broke down, because regardless of how I had done in the audition, there was nothing more I could do to influence the outcome. That entire weekend, the only thought in my brain was how I may have completely bombed my audition, but it was no longer in my control, and that terrified me. In color guard, I have difficulties with the tosses because letting go of the flag means surrendering control of it.
Letting go means that the pole could hit me or someone else, which would either result in being hurt or having a guilty conscience. This is actually a really good metaphor for the fear as a whole. When I let the fear control me, no pun intended, I do not perform well and I am thrown off for a bit following the incident. In guard, if I do not let go of the toss, I end up behind the other people. However, when I finally decide to just let it go, my toss normally ends up fairly decent. To overcome my fear, I need to just let it go and hope for the best. Not letting my fear consume me is the only way for me to move on with life.
