To people it means many different things. Some people may not think anything of it, until it strikes close to them. I know before I had my father pass away, I never thought once about it. When I first heard of my dad dying, it made me way sad.
I was ten or eleven, not old enough yet to understand, why someone would want to take their own life. I was crushed when it happened. It was like a part of me was missing, like someone had ripped my heart out and laid a direct attack on me. When I learned he had committed suicide it made me very angry. I kept thinking how could someone do that and hurt his whole family.
Especially my brothers and I. I kept thinking about how could someone be thinking for themselves and not considering the effects it would have on other people. Everywhere I went seemed to make it hurt more, all the friends and family telling me how sorry they were just seemed to keep making me think more and more about it. I didn’t want to think about it; I wanted it to be over with.
The question that hurt the most was when everyone asked me how did he die. I mean honestly what kind of question is that. When the funeral was over and he was laid to rest, I had a feeling I cant even describe. It was almost an empty feeling. I knew I had lost someone that could never be replaced.
I wouldnt want to wish death upon anyones family. No matter who may come into your life can never replace your parents. Its just not the same, and I do think that many people would agree with me. I really do hate to say this, but since my father did pass away, my life has greatly gotten better.
My step dad Steve has been so nice and rad with him Ive gotten things and did things, that I would have never did before, and I am grateful for that and it makes me happy to have someone like him. Last of all, after all these years or wondering why, why did it have to happen? Ive finally come to understand. It wasnt because he disliked us, or because I had did something wrong, like I had thought. Sometimes when life gets hard, you can take the easy way out, which my father chose to do. It isnt right, but it happens.
Maybe he was thinking of my life, and my brothers. Maybe he thought he could make it better, I really dont know, and I may never know. I cant change the past, and if I could I really am not quite sure if I would want to. It would be too difficult to try and change everything.
Things could turn out for the best, or maybe even the worst. That I will never know, and dont want to know. This experience probably had about every type of emotion you could have. I still wonder what might have been to this day, and still am heartbroken to this day.
But I deal with us, just like I deal with everything else, theres not sense looking back on this past, it cant be changed. .
