When guys lose weight, they like hearing about it. When girls lose weight things get complicated. You can tell them they look incredible but you should never tell them why. If you tell them they look like they lost a few pounds you’re in big trouble because, of course, what you are implying is that they looked fat and ugly before. Women don’t make things any easier by asking questions like: “Do you think I’m fat? ” I never understood why they did that, knowing there are no right or wrong answers. The only answer is a big ugly fight.
If the guy says: “No, honey, you look fabulous the way you are”, she immediately assumes that what you really meant was that she does look a bit fat. On the other hand, if the guy says: “Yes, I think you have put on a few pounds lately”, they’re still screwed. You should never tell a woman she looks fat, even if she does look like Miss Piggy and has great difficulties seeing her chunky toes past her neatly stacked rolls. Most likely she knows it, she just doesn’t want you to know it. Women tend to make things even more complicated when they go shopping.
Men are smart. They go to a store for a pair of pants, pick up what they need, in their size, pay for it, and then leave – with a pair of pants. Women’s idea of shopping isn’t that simple. They go to a store for a shirt but end up picking up seven different outfits in four different sizes, hoping they lost a few inches walking from their car to the store, and then disappear to the fitting rooms. They come out half an hour later, leave their seven outfits behind, and go for a hunt for seven more.
They do that until they are convinced that they are still size six, just like they were before going to the store, and then decide not to buy any clothes because they look too fat. They leave the store with a pair of shoes and a matching purse. / And then there’s driving. Men drive like maniacs, there’s no doubt about it. They are drawn to show off, speed, cut off in front of people, piss off other drivers, but at least they are driving. Women drivers are scary.
They check their make-up, put on lipstick, polish their nails, check if the shoes they bought really match their new purse, listen to their phone messages, make calls to all of their girlfriends because God forbid if they didn’t speak all the five thousand words a day. It gets truly annoying when you’re forced to wait at a green light just because some lady is busy applying her mascara. They do everything in the car but drive, that is, if they are the ones behind the wheel. When women are positioned on the passenger seat, they tend to forget that little fact, and do the driving: “Watch this car! ” “The speed limit is 45! “You can’t make a U-turn here! ” The unfortunate list of irritating behaviors doesn’t end with the bad driving habits. Men can be vain, they check themselves out in a mirror. But women, they are simply ridiculous. They check themselves out in any shiny surface-mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters etc. You go out to a bar, and you see women sipping their drinks and bravely checking the reflection of their teeth on their wineglass. Or you look out from Macy’s window just to be faced with an image of a female checking to see if she still looks the same as a minute ago in the side mirror of her car.
Reflective surfaces are not the only things that women have “special relationships” with. There is something about women and bathrooms. A man has no more than six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is four hundred and thirty seven, most of them unidentifiable by men. Not surprisingly, it only takes ten minutes for a guy to get ready to go out, and about an hour or two for a woman. She has to find her way out of the bathroom first. Luckily, men are used to waiting after women.
They wait, maybe, with a beautiful bouquet because they know how much women love to get flowers. Only there’s one little problem. When a guy decides to get his woman flowers, he is immediately faced with the question: “What did you do? ” The fact that the guy was just trying to be nice doesn’t matter. If the guy chooses to take the safe route, not to be accused of any wrong doings, he is labeled as an insensitive asshole. They just can’t get it right. Just like they can never tell when women are upset. There’s never a question when a man is disturbed, he either is or he isn’t, but with women you never know.
If they seem quiet, you assume they are upset, but if you asked them, they’ll say no. If their face is as red as a Harvest Moon, you assume they are mad, but if you asked them, they’ll say no. When a woman looks perfectly happy, she says she’s not, and starts the long conversation about where does she stand in your life. By the time she is done, the only place you want her to stand is on another planet, as far away from your ears as possible. If you do get lucky and manage to send your woman far away, you will probably be faced with another annoyance-a letter from her.
It’s a royal pain to read a note from a female. You can never tell what they’re trying to say. Youare lost after: “Honey, I forgot to mention that…” They use scented, colored, and pictured stationary. They dot their “i’s” with hearts and flowers, and decorate their “p’s” and “g’s” with ridiculously large hoops and loops. Even when they’re dumping you, they put a smiley at the end of the note. No matter how ridiculous, annoying, complex, or unreasonable women are, men still love them, and could not and would not live without them. I think men are stupid.
