I am so full of regret. In fact, if there is one way to describe how I feel at this moment, it’s “living in hell. ” I have had sleepless nights for several days, and yet I still haven’t finished my work for our TV production. From rehearsals, to preparations and editing canned materials, it seems like an endless chain of suffering for a CMS student like me. In our previous production, I failed. And I cried. A lot. Right now, there is only one thing on my mind: hard work doesn’t always – if ever – pay off. If I ever failed at such a magnitude again, I’d be devastated. I don’t even know if I’d survive.
That’s how fragile I am. Push me too far and watch me shatter like a brittle sheet of glass. I ask myself if it’s possible that I chose the wrong degree program? Do I really belong in this CMS group? I don’t don’t feel as if I do. I don’t feel a connection to the teachers, the other students, the lessons or the practicum. I am frustrated and confused; frustrated with myself and confused over why I’ve made the decisions I have over the past two or three years. I’ve asked God to lead me and lay out an obvious path for me to walk. Show me a sign, an arrow, a lighted stairway… anything.
So, I lay on my bed, exhausted and worn. I closed my eyes but couldn’t sleep. I picked up a romance novel and began to read; my heavy eyelids fighting to close like stubborn window shades. After reading for a while and struggling to stay awake, I found myself laughing at the humor in the novel. The heroine of the story was a romance novelist, and of course, as in every penny-store romance novel, she faced some extreme challenges in her life. There are times when some people critique her work and told her that those are scraps, while others are telling her that she is a good author.
But despite all that, she never gave up on her career, because according to her, when you are trying to achieve something, you must do everything. That was 10 years ago. I remembered those times when I feel frustrated and annoyed of what I am doing. It only tells me that this world is truly unfair, and there is no space for justice because for every production that we have, I always put my 101 per cent to it. However, my efforts are useless for it is not always visible in my output. Well, thank God I have shifted from BA CMS to Political Science.
Now, I don’t have to work for suicidal TV productions. I only have to memorize the Philippine Constitution. I have fought for justice in my country. I have defended those who are accused of crimes, cleared their names and proved that they are innocent. However, the only downside of my career is that, I always eat death threats for breakfast. Sometimes, I am afraid of my family’s and my own’s safety. However, for years of being a lawyer, I always feel like an empty person. I always feel that there is something lacking in me.
I just couldn’t figure it out. It seems like I am unhappy of what I am doing right now. I relaxed my mind and body for a while. Then, at the corner of my table, I saw a romance novel. The same novel that I have read 10 years ago. Ten years ago. What could have happened to me when I didn’t shift to other course and followed the motto of the lead female character in the story? Being into a broadcast industry is my passion but because I couldn’t take the pressure of the work of a CMS student, I gave up. So right now, I feel regretful.
