“Hi I’m Ira Muan nice to meet you” I shyly murmured with an awkward Filipino accent, eyes wide, full of fear and apprehension. Engrossed in an unfamiliar setting at the age of fifteen, everything was vague and dubious to me. In this unfamiliar land, people subsist in all forms and color. White, dark skinned, light skinned, blonde, brunette, black haired and every other mixture there is.
In Spite of these physical differences, yet everyone. Shared one mutual thing: English, the language that they all spoke and that linked all of them together. However, the foreign girl, me, even though I could speak. And understand the language, I was scared to speak to anyone or even say something afraid that they might make fun of my accent.
I never imagined that I would ever move to America and settle down for good here. My first month in the US was awfully lonely, I didn’t have a lot friends or family to talk to. The massive shift in my life immensely saddened and pained me. In school, I was invisible and when I’m at home my phone was my only companion. I missed the Philippines, I was yearning for the delicious home cooked meals, the sitting around a huge table eating with my cousins, aunts and uncles, friends even with neighbors. I was longing for the comfort of my family and friends. I clung to the memories of my prior home to soothe my longing and encourage me to my otherwise dreary life.
Developing connections and building friendships was not easy, as I was terrified of approaching others because of my weird accent and lack of confidence to even try to talk to others especially in high school, kids were brutal they don’t think before they say anything they usually just let out what they want to say and don’t really care if they hurt other people’s feelings. Often I thought to myself “If only I was confident and fluent” I couldn’t care less what they thought about how I spoke, “If only I was confident and fluent”.
I wouldn’t be fuming at anyone who mocked me because I say words and phrases weirdly, then responding with a fake laugh and nod. “If only I was confident and fluent”, I wouldn’t be shaking when I’m presenting or speaking in front class. “If only I was confident and fluent”, I would not have answered by just nodding or shaking my head when they’re asking me questions. These thoughts occupied my mind every day, thinking how much better would my life be if I could just break away from my own insecurities and just try to connect with others.
However, we are not in a fantasy where everything would just fall into place, magically fixing my insecurities, timidity, and nervousness. After realizing this, I became realistic and tried to enact my fantasies and all the situations I imagined in my head where, I pictured myself that I was bold, poised, and undaunted of speaking in front my class and making friends.
I forced myself to communicate and ask questions, and make connections to the people around me ignoring the voice back in my head telling me that I sounded weird and that I should just stop talking and be that miserable, lonely filipina girl who says three as tree like the actual tree, in my defense the teachers who taught me English weren’t white people they were filipinos like me who probably say three as tree too.
After awhile it started getting better, I made friends, really good friends, who helped and encouraged me to be more assertive, and not to think about those who had something to say about my accent sounds or if I said anything weirdly. Like Arnold when he first moved to Reardan, he had hard time adjusting at the new school he transferred to, people made fun of the way he talks, the way he looked, and where he was from but when he started to be bold and started making friends.
It got better for him, heck he even became the star of Reardan’s basketball team. “If only I was confident and fluent”: I used this to motivate me and strive to overcome challenges that I faced when I moved, by making myself act out and connect with the people around me, and getting motivated when people complimented me and said I was getting better at communicating.
With that combination, I became bold, poised and confident just like what I had imagined for myself while I was still struggling. Reminiscing to the past where I was this shy, reserved girl who just moved to this country, terrified of even trying to talk, to now me, a young lady, who loves to interact and meet new people.
