Being a naïve young man in my sophomore year of high school, I had a relationship with the most beautiful girl named Savannah. The first couple weeks consisted of dates, getting to know who she was and basically building up a foundation. Of course, in the beginning of a relationship there are no arguments, just simply building up your relationship with that guy or girl. However though there are no problems, communication is shown from in the beginning. That is because at this moment in my relationship I used communication to understand who she is.
After a few months of talking I asked Savannah to be my girlfriend and of course she had said yes. Both of us thought that it was finally time to make it official because we felt that our hearts were in sync. A couple weeks into our relationship, small arguments had broken out every now and then, but it never was anything big. However, there was one big argument which I wish had never gone wrong. Savannah had said “Babe, you haven’t been spending time with me lately, you’re always out with your friends.
Basically she began to accuse me of not spending enough time with her when we were with our friends or even just between us two. I was offended because I felt like I gave her my whole life, and she meant everything to me. Right from the start this is where Susan Page asserts “These are “you” statements. They blame, accuse, and criticize the person you are angry with His natural reaction will be to defend himself. ” (pg. 27) This is where the problem started, Savannah used a “you” statement which had offended me.
It was my instinct to defend myself to her accusing me of not spending time with her. We continuously yelled, blaming each other for random things that were not even a part of the conflict. They were just brought into the argument out of anger. I got tired of back and forth yelling and decided to just stop and walk away from the issue. John Gottman stated that “Calming down is especially important for men, since we know they are more likely to feel physiologically overwhelmed sooner than woman during a heated marital exchange. (pg. 46)
Without calming down, anger will continue to spike up and just make everything worse. To the fact that we were even yelling out of anger made the argument more worse than it already was. I could have avoided making the problem escalate by not defensively yelling at her. If I were to have calmed down the issue between us could have been resolved peacefully. The next day, I thought about it and realized that I didn’t want to argue with her any more. I felt disgusted to that fact I even yelled at her making her cry.
I didn’t care if it was not even my fault; I just wanted to make up with her and apologize for my abrupt approach. At night I decided to stop by her house, I called her outside to talk to her. When she came outside I thought that she was still angry with me and didn’t even want to look at me. I tried to talk to her but all she said was “Leave me alone. ” I didn’t want to leave her alone, I wanted to make things better between us, I tried talking to her again but all I got was rejection.
I began to get frustrated and decided to try one more time. Sadly, all I got again was rejection and she just walked away from me. To the fact that I was confused and frustrated I decided to just give up and walk away as well. John Gray believed that men were from Mars and women were from Venus. When women talk Gray states “When a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but she also is asking for a particular kind of support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request” (pg. 18).
Savannah when said that she wanted to be left alone, that was not what she was implying. She really wanted me to run after her and keep trying. However, I did not know that because when I want to be left alone that’s what I would say. A female’s language is not direct to the things that they want. It was hard to understand what Savannah really wanted because she would say one thing but mean another. At this time I didn’t understand a girl’s language and having her reject me the last time I simply gave up and the relationship between Savannah and I withered.
After a few years, when I finally understood a woman’s language, I realized the real reason why Savannah and I broke up was not because of the fact that she felt like I was not spending enough time with her, but because of one word: miscommunication. Miscommunication is an enemy of a loving relationship. It is one of the essential foundations in a relationship, without understanding one another’s languages everything will crumble down. If only at the time I knew that when she said “Leave me alone,” it actually meant chase after me Chris and keep trying; we possibly could be still together
