9/10/04 Sanity is over rated “Who am I?” A strange question, I am not sure if I can answer that. Letme instead take you on a journey to see how my heart guided me in so manydirections. These events and actions that brought me to where I am today. I was in private Catholic school for twelve years, throughout all myyears in school I cannot remember a day that I felt getting up and going toschool was going to be anything but complete torture. I was an outcast; Ispoke to absolutely no one, being picked on because I was the only Egyptianany of these kids had ever met, I was beat up, spat upon, you name it; likeI said torture! It took quite a long time to adjust and come to therealization that it really had nothing to do with me; it was the ignoranceof my classmates.
Then came high school, a whole new experience. I whole-heartedlythought it would be different. I was somewhat social in High school but didnot have any interest from the boys in school. Then some thing every 15 yrold girl with a low self-esteem wants came to me, a boy’s attention. Therewas a problem with this boy though; he was 21 yrs old, this should havebeen the warning sign saying “RUN!”, but it wasn’t.
I also later found outhe was homeless and jobless (a legit job, he was a drug dealer). It was thebasic idea that a boy thought I was attractive. Nonetheless, by the thirdmonth of dating this boy I was pregnant. This I think was the scariestthing I had ever faced, but I followed my heart. I didn’t tell anyone tillmy third trimester so that no one could influence me or convince me to getan abortion.
When the news finally came out, it was a great disappointment,dishonoring my parents. I don’t think my dad has ever looked at me the samesince that day. I was only fifteen I didn’t realize what I had gottenmyself into. The months passed by very quickly, before I knew it I was almost 6months pregnant. By this time it was about mid March 1996.
I went to my biweekly Dr. appointment, but there was a problem, it seemed my baby had avery weak heartbeat. My heart dropped into my stomach, I was terrified. Ican still smell the sanitized air in the exam room when the doctor told methat there was a problem. I just kept asking, “What have I done, what haveI done? ” I was totally hysterical. The doctor and nurse held me down andgave me a sedative of some sort; I was kept in the hospital forobservation.
Truthfully it gets really fuzzy after that. The next thing Iremember is being in labor. I remember hearing my voice echoing in the coldwhite room, it seemed like the longest two days of my life! On March 17, 1996 I gave birth to a baby girl, unfortunately she wasunable to experience the gift of life that we all take for granted. I wasdevastated. You can imagine what this can do to a woman who has a husband;I was alone to deal with my first child’s death.
My greatest struggle wasnot being able to properly burry her, she deserved more then that. I wastold not to name the baby, but I did, her name was Yasmine. It took meabout a year to recover and at least look normal to the rest of the world. I finally snapped out my deep depression, after two suicide attempts,several therapy sessions and the countless incidences of running away fromhome.
I realized that what I needed was to get back on track like a regularteenager. As if after all the drugs and trips to the hospital I could everbe considered “normal”. I never did go back to school, well at least not to high school. I didhowever get into Job Corps, which is a government program that teachesteens and adults (17-24) a trade (carpentry, electrical, clerical ect) theycan also study and get their GED. This is what I did; I received my GEDwithin the first month of attending.
I had decided to leave early because Inew that I had a much greater purpose in my future. After several years ata Community College going absolutely nowhere I decided it was time to moveforward with a new approach. After contacting several schools I came to the conclusion that Devryoffered the curriculum that I needed. I am currently a ComputerEngineering Technology major. Ultimately, I want to go into the productdevelopment field. I know that education can only do so much, but right nowI am taking my heart to a new place again, this time I have faith that mydesires whether it be material or spiritual are within my reach.
To travelaround the world, to be financially stable, as well as having peace ofmind. Maybe even have a family some day (if God permits. ) After several years of fear, restraint and avoidance, I have followedmy heart once again, setting long-term goals with hopes to achieve andexceed them. Maybe following your heart isn’t a bad thing.
The key ischoosing wisely and making sure to follow through that makes all thedifference.Thesis: The last paragraph
