Abhorrence, resentment, and abandoned were all the feelings I started having as early as the 9th grade. Hatred turned very quickly into violence. I found myself getting into fights and sometimes not even going to school. Having all these feels building up and towards one persons is not healthy, especially when it’s your own mother. Every child needs their mother or someone in their life growing up. I know it’s wrong to say but, growing up and having these feeling about someone you really love is not okay. My mother decided very early that a family wasn’t what she wanted.
Growing up and watching the streets take your mother away is hurtful for a child, especially when you have a child that just wanted to be loved. I held a grudge for years towards my mother; I blamed her for everything that went wrong in my life. I always felt like I was missing that mother figure in my life. I didn’t feel like my life was complete. So one day me and my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) prayed and talked about it. He encouraged me to reached out to her, to settle all these feeling I kept stored away. So I did.
It was great having that mother and daughter relationship I always wanted growing up over the years. One year around the holidays, we flew my mom out for a visit to spend sometime with her grandkids. She ended up staying for four months! During that four months she did absolutely nothing! We did everything to please her and make her feel welcome. We even took her shopping but everything we brought for her from shoes, clothes, jewelry etc. she wouldn’t wear. She would just pack it away in her suitcase. She started acting spoiled, by asking me to buy this or that every time we went out.
At that point I knew she was only here to use me for gifts, not out of love. She was using me so she could go back home and brag to her sisters. I started to notice she were being neglectful toward my kids and husband. I stop purchasing things for her and when she noticed I wasn’t going to spend any more money on her, she was ready to leave. She arrived with one bag and left with three full bags. It was then, I realized that everything happens for a reason. In my heart I forgave her but I’m better off without her in our lives. SometimeslLife is what you make of it.
I had to look at who I was and who I wanted to be. Forgiveness is part of the healing process. I had to make that decision to heal. It was a commitment for me to let go of the past. Deciding to forgive her was a hard and committed decision. It was so difficult to forgive her but that was a chapter in my life that I wanted closed. In the end, I realized that I’m a great mother and wife and I have a lovely family of my own. I had and have the greatest father growing up and that’s all I could ever want or need. I am content with that.
