Evelyn Lau is an author with which I can identify with. Her lack of humilitygives rise to self-awareness.
She does not hide under a mask of sorrow, shesimply puts into words how she reacts and feels towards her life’s struggles. She does not convey a deep sense of hostility or arrogance, but merely addressesthe conflicts through out her life with a graceful, honest manner. One can seehow Evelyn allows herself to let go of all inhibitions and “secrets” througheach of her works. She can face her past, and acknowledge her pain, unlike mostpeople. Her ability to do this is what gives every person an identity they canrelate with; whether it be living on the streets, coping with a drug addiction,or “dealing” with a dysfunctional family. Evelyn, unlike most people, canpin point her torment.
Her father was the center of her universe (Details 3),always loving, compassionate and with someone she could share her childhooddreams. However, their relationship ended abruptly while she was only ten yearsold. This severed bond caused her much grief. She longed for love and affection,which her mother could not provide.
Evelyn’s self loathing began while she wasa per-adolescent ( Details 2). Her fathers emotional passivity caused Evelyn todestroy herself physically. She chose her body as her tool of destruction, forshe felt, no one could control her body, not even her neurotic mother (Details2). I do not think that Evelyn blames her fathers lack of love, on the fact thathe lost his job(2). It seems to me that he lost himself, for he saw his daughteras a young woman; not as a child. This realization may have been the reason hefaded from her life.
He lost touch with Evelyn’s child hood, and couldn’t copewith the idea that his little girl was now a blossoming young lady. Hisselfishness caused her so much angst. She began to believe that her father andmother both disliked her presence, as a part of their family. (Details 3). Atthe age of nine Evelyn began reading Harlequin Romance novels(Details 4) as away to vicariously feel love. This “love” enabled her to escape the harshreality that was her life.
However ,”it ruined my idea of male femalerelationships” (Details 2) Evelyn began to believe that women were supposed tobe weak, dependent creatures. And men were supposed to be older, handsome,stronger, ideal mates for the weak woman. Her notions of this streered hertowards bulimia. Her bulimia took over her life. It was the one thing shethought she could control, and the one thing she thought she could hide.
But herperfect vision was one where she could continue her weak womanly characteristics(bulimia) and have a “father figure” mend her emotional scars. Her longingfor love is what drew her to self-mutilation. In a sick sense I can see why shemight have done this. She longed for the father she had as a young girl, toswoop her into his arms and caress her nightmares into oblivion. As a result oflittle fatherly love, Evelyn began her search for lovers which she classified asthe “father figure”, like those in the romance novels, “I always had thisthing for older men.
. . I look for father figures all the time. .
. ” (Details 2). She openly admits that her search for men which can love her like a daughter isa perverse one, and one which causes many problems in the relationship (2). However, she continues this fantasy, and divulges her true feelings aboutchildren “I hate children. . .
I can’t imagine getting pregnant and having achild. I think that would be horrible. . ” (1).
This quote reveals to me that asa person Evelyn is selfish. She does not wish to share her “fatherly” loverwith that of a child, for then both the child and the mother would be graspingfor the father’s attention. As I read through Evelyn’s works, I have come tothe conclusion that although she is able to pronounce her hatred she still hasmany skeletons in the closet. She will not face her father to this day, allowingregret, guilt, and anger to build inside of her (2).
Evelyn had reason to feelsuppressed by her parents, but as a rising star one mustn’t succumb to theidea that one’s past is fiction in one’s novel. And she has yet to reachthat pinnacle of understanding.
