Shelle BakerNovember 15, 2001English 111 (13)ClassificationHow To Annoy PeopleThis paper will attempt to explore how to annoy people in many different situations these categories are as follows: how to annoy people in restaurants, chat rooms, while driving, and in the grocery store. Also explored are annoying your roommate, your neighbors, public bathroom stall mates, your teacher or professor, and the police. The following are guaranteed ways to annoy at your favorite restaurant: Decline to be seated and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. Pretend you do not understand what your server is saying no matter how much he/she yells or how slowly they say it. Ask your server for an extra seat and place setting for your imaginary friend.
Wander around the restaurant asking other diners for their parsley. Slurp your soup. Eat out with your friends and forget your wallet. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon or pay for your dinner with pennies. Getting a rise out of people by annoying the heck out of them was never this easy before chat rooms.
First, ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE or only type in lowercase, and dont use any punctuation either. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant, if they ask what it means be demeaning and rude rather than giving them an explanation. TalkLikeThisInChatRooms. CapitalizeTheBeginningOfEveryWordAndNeverUseSpaces. YouHaveNoIdeaHowAnnoyingThisCanGet.
On the other hand, you could simply capitalize letters that ShouLDn’t bE capitalized. Go into random chat rooms and say “Turkey,” then leave and every 5 minutes, on the dot, send someone an instant message saying “Turkey” as well. Choose someone you do not like and annoy him/her until he/she leaves the chat room. Use the “find member” command and follow this person all over whatever online service you use. This may get you permanently kicked out of all the chat rooms, so make it worth it. Finally, e-mail some random person in a chat room and ask them why they keep harassing you.
If your passengers are annoying you, get relief by annoying the other drivers around you. When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane and when there is a lot of traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH slower than the speed limit. These will definitely get you the finger by everyone who finally gets past you, so use sparingly if weak hearted. When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the “LANE CLOSED-MERGE AHEAD” signs, waiting until the last second to cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit. While traveling down residential streets, drive 5MPH so you can look at all the houses and landscaping; in fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield. Turn on your bright lights for oncoming traffic. Be careful you do not do this to a police officer or you will surely be pulled over at which time you should refer to the police section later in this paper.
Pull up alongside someone while driving on the freeway and gesture violently indicating that they should pull over immediately. When they pull over, wave to them, and continue driving. Never keep any of your trash in the car, toss it out the window these things include tissues, cigarettes, and cellophane food wrappers. Leave your turn signal on for 50 miles, and then switch sides. Whenever traffic is jammed up, go ahead and ride on the shoulder until you pass the traffic jam. Lastly, you should know that tailgating could be one of the most effective forms of annoyance known to man.
The following are some annoying practices that may get you banned from the grocery store: Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane and eat your produce while you wait, grapes or foods weighed are the best items to choose. Hold the grocery store Olympics featuring shopping cart races and the toilet paper roll throw or just randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream “No, no! It’s those voices again!” If you are relatively sneaky you can either wait until someone steps away from their cart to look at something and quickly make off with it without saying a word or peel the checkpoint labels off of products and stick them to other shopper’s carts when the are not looking. When genuinely shopping, hum or sing songs that will remain lodged in other shopper’s and employees’ heads such as “Feliz Navidad,” The Archie’s’ “Sugar,” or the Mr.
Rogers theme song. Guaranteed to get you a swirly if you survive, here are a few tips on how to annoy you public bathroom stall mates: Cheer and clap loudly every time someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. Be prepared to run if you try any of the following. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say “Peek-a-boo!” Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?” Last, but not least, fill up a large flask with flat Mountain Dew.
When you go into the stall squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling “Whoa! Easy Boy!”Any of these tips are sure to get your roommate to move out: When your roommate is out of their room, move everything they own to a different location, or better yet, at night rearrange all their furniture. To make this prank even more amusing, call your roommate on the phone and watch them fall over that chair that wasn’t there when they went to sleep. If you share a television, adjust the tint on it so that all the people are green and insist that you like it better that way. Leave the toilet seat up and always use the last square of toilet paper, but do not replace it. Follow a few paces behind them spraying everything they touch with Lysol and stepping on their heels; when they turn around to confront you, be sure your face is really close to theirs and watch them jump.
However, this may get you punched. More sure fire ways to get beat up are: copying their actions and repeating everything they say, giving a play-by-play account of their every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice, or standing over their shoulder mumbling as they read. Annoying people can be both fun and profitable! Well, maybe not profitable and everyone will think of you as a jerk, but then perhaps they already do. So give them a reason to talk behind your back, your reputation will precede you.
Here are some ways to get your neighbors talking about you: Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September, for some reason this is very annoying to everyone in a 3 block radius. Inform all your neighbors of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. Cut your lawn with scissors and sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes. When the weather is nice, sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down, also fun is sneaking around and taking pictures of your neighbors without their permission. Do not forget that your car stereo should always be blasting music at approximately 90,000dB. This is what it takes to lose your scholarship, flunk classes and be unqualified to work at McDonalds.
These are surefire ways to piss off your teacher or professor: First, type every word in a different font. Alternate big fonts with small fonts. When writing a paper, cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography and end the paper with “This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds. ” If you are artistic and you are assigned a 2,000-word paper, draw 2 pictures of what the paper is supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1,000 words, right? Another option is to get a large piece of paper or canvas and smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper; explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you and that mere words couldn’t possibly express what you had to say. You can also refuse to do your paper because of the fact that you are a member of Green peace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments, or write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
Finally, pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w’s whenevew you weawwy want to type r’s or l’s. The last category in our exploration on how to annoy people is the police. We will call this category “How To Be a 3 Time Loser on Your First Dealing With The Police. ” If you really want to annoy the wrong person, simply use one of these lines the next time you get pulled over: “Aren’t you the guy from The Village People?” or “Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?” You could also try “I pay your salary,” “I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer,” “You’re not going to check the trunk, are you,” or “So, are you on the take, or what?” I do not recommend the next line unless you would like to experience police brutality, but here it is anyway: “Wow, you look like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s night stand. ” I end this paper with my favorite how to annoy a police officer line which is “I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.”