As I sit here at my computer I restlessly glance at the clock; it’s 12:40 AM, approximately twelve hours until this essay is due. How could I have once again gotten myself into this terrible situation? I would love to say that there’s some amazing excuse for my blatant irresponsibility, that some horrible catastrophe took place inhibiting the start of this paper. Yet sadly there is none; I can present no justification of this other than my own slothfulness. And even as I type I debate over the topic. Various ideas swirl in my head like a typhoon, none of which seem very appealing.Order now
I need to write about something I know, something that is like second nature, and most importantly something that I can bullshit about for a full 2 pages.
Of course, how could I be so blind! What better to write about then procrastination itself; over the years I have pretty much perfected the art of postponement. To the average person this may seem like an uncomplicated task; you may be thinking “But Chad, anyone can wait till the last minute!” And I grant that in that assumption you would be entirely correct; any idiot can be lazy. However the question is; can just any idiot wait until the last minute, pull an all-niter, and actually emerge victorious. Because that my friend takes finesse, and is not a feat for any mere amateur. So I encourage you to grab a cup of coffee and take a seat because for the next couple of hours I will be taking you on a crash course through The Art Of Procrastination Essay.
The most important thing to consider when faced with blank paper and an equally empty cranium is the possibility of an extension of the deadline. This being the most ideal situation for the reason that it gives you all the more time to goof off; who knows maybe by midnight tomorrow you’ll be in a more productive mood. Convincing a professor to grant you an extension is not an easy task and may require a smidgen of deceitfulness; but seeing as how by this point you’re probably pretty desperate it shouldn’t present much of moral dilemma. Always remember that it is extremely important to measure up your victim and choose the most effective bait. While some professors are more cooperative and will grant you the extension with a simple excuse like “My great aunt Bertha died”, others can be rather a pain and may require a plea more elaborate such as “The doctors say it may be a tumor and believe I only have a few months to live.” If lying fails you, there are less polite methods of persuasion such as bribery, blackmail, or a threatening letter or two; though its not recommend considering the whole legal thing.
If you don’t succeed in acquiring an extension you will next want to evaluate whether or not your grade can handle the crippling blow of a zero; this is of course in the unlikely event that you don’t turn the paper in. Which, unless you want to look forward to a promising career in the fast food industry, isn’t the best idea. It’s always better to turn in something than nothing, so if it’s starting to look completely hopeless sit down and pound out at least one page of complete crap; no matter how bad of a grade you get on it it’s always that much better than a zero.
If you’ve made it this far and are still willing to pull some serious hours and do some real work then congratulations; you’re one of the few, the proud, the determined slackers. When cursed with the hellish task of writing an entire well-thought essay at an hour when any halfway sane person is sleeping it is very important that you prepare yourself. The most important thing you can have with you in these trying times is your alertness, and no matter how awake you think you are, after about 30 minutes of writing your body is going to require some kind of refueling.
I recommend either having at least a 2 liter bottle of some kind of caffeinated drink .